If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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