You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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