Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
