I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
