I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
