i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
