I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Less talking, more tequila
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize