my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
