Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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