You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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