omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
