Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
im on a boat
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