I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I want to be your penis for a week.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
