Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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