If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
