Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just had sex on a roof
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
