I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
