I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
