I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
