The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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