Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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