Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize