Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
