yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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