haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
