someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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