He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize