I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
