Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
