she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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