My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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