On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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