my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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