im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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