sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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