i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
