i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
