I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
