Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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