They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
