If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
