i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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