I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize