i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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