i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
