Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
