Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
