she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
