I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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