I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
