don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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