Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
