its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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