dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
