Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
