Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I will pee on everything he values.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
