Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
