Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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