Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
