just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize