We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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