Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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